2008/05/28 @ 13:34 EDT
I'm The Kidlet's Mom | I'm a Blogger | I'm an Adoptive Parent | I'm writing 365 Posts in Oh-Eight
Tags: adopt, adopted, adopting, adoption, adoption viewpoints, adoptive parent, anti-adoption, aworldofadoption, biological child, biological parent, closed adoption, ethical adoption, fertility, first mother, infertility, international adoption, natural child, natural parent, open adoption, The Kidlet, unethical adoption
Another adoptive parent blogger wrote about her son’s adoption not being ’second best’ compared to having a biological child, and it got me thinking about my son’s adoption.
The fact that my FIRST choice in “how to become a parent” was to adopt (totally bypassing the very idea of doing it the ‘natural’ way) is an abstract concept that is often misunderstood…
… but I don’t feel guilty that my son was adopted.
As far as stereotypes go, I’m probably the MOST hated ‘adopter’ (at least in the anti-adoption world) in that I’m simply seen as ‘baby stealer’ - my child came to me as a first choice and I had no intentions in my lifetime (for as far back as I can remember!) to ever have a biological child.
Therefore, my fertility (or lack thereof?) had zero to do with my son’s adoption. In the eyes of certain groups not desiring a biological child further proves me to be a baby-stealer.
While some see adoption as a “second choice, that last resort” to parenting, I see my son’s adoption as simply my selfish desire to become a parent. Further, I truly believe that ALL parents who adopt do it for this singular reason, regardless of any pre-adoption circumstances that might have lead to their decision to adopt.
Although I fully admit to my naivety about the many negative aspects of a ‘closed’ adoption at the time I adopted, I have earnestly tried in the years since to educate myself and right the wrongs (or at least do my best to acknowledge the mistakes in my thought-processes) that I see. I do acknowledge my son’s losses, while also recognizing that I have lost nothing, and gained everything. I do include his family as much as possible (I spent much time and money to find his First Mother) in our discussions and celebrations about his life, even though most of his biological roots are elusive to us and is First Mother’s desire for contact is inconsistent.
While I struggle to find my way though a closed adoption (one that I chose, and only now understand the difficulties and complexities that my son and I both face) I see other adoptive parents in good, healthy and beneficial open adoptions - and yes, I’m jealous. I wish with all my heart that I could ’share’ (for lack of a more articulate word) him with who he deserves to be with.
BUT I can not change the past or how my son became my son - the fact is, I’m proud of him, and he is my son because of adoption.
Adoption was my first choice, I never thought of becoming a parent by any other means.
2008/05/28 14:18
Thank you SO MUCH for validating my feelings about adoption. I won’t be having children for at least 10 years (I want to be one of those old moms people scoff at) and adoption is my first choice. Sometimes I worry about finding a man who will support me in that. Anyway…
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
2008/05/28 15:09
A child needs a home. A home is desiring a child. To me adoption makes sense. I’m glad for The Kidlet that you were there when he was in need, as you continue to be, as his mother.
Robs last blog post..A Question from a Friend
2008/05/28 15:14
Ahhhh, well put. :)
Judys last blog post..NOT second best
2008/05/28 15:24
[...] CMP Media MASTER (mailto:noehrlei@cmp.com) wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptAs far as stereotypes go, I’m probably the MOST hated ‘adopter’ (at least in the anti-adoption world) in that I’m simply seen as ‘baby stealer’ - my child came to me as a first choice and I had no intentions in my lifetime (for as far … [...]
2008/05/28 18:44
I doubt it will mean anything in the big picture, but I certainly don’t think you’re a baby stealer or a mean “adopter.” Like so many other parents, you wanted to be a Mom! You knew what route was best for you and you took it. Works for me :)
Thanksgivingmoms last blog post..Little White Lies
2008/05/28 18:55
@Judy -
As was your post which inspired me :)
K2
2008/05/28 18:57
@Thanksgivingmom -
“Like so many other parents, you wanted to be a Mom!”
Thank you for recognizing (and validating!) that I adopted for that exact reason. In this confusing world of pro/anti/confused adoption ‘advocacy’ often that very thought gets lost in translation.
K2
2008/05/28 19:01
@Rob -
“A child needs a home. A home is desiring a child. To me adoption makes sense. I’m glad for The Kidlet that you were there when he was in need, as you continue to be, as his mother.”
I only see it as I wanted to be a mom, therefore I became one by adoption.
I don’t consider myself as being my son’s rescuer or that I was there for him when he was in need… because to me that would imply that I adopted him for his benefit and not mine. Has his life benefited from my adopting him? I don’t know. I know his life is different than it would have been, if it’s ‘better’ is something no one will ever be able to define.
K2
2008/05/28 19:02
@C -
“I want to be one of those old moms people scoff at”
Just curious… why?
K2
2008/05/28 19:23
Absolutely - believe me, I’ve been slammed by the adoption activists myself. I go from being not “enough” of a birthmom, firstmom, natural mom, whatever they want to say to being a heartless abandoner. I can’t spend time worrying about what I’m “supposed” to be or how others want to paint me. I’ve just got to be the firstmom I know I am to my Cupcake and that’s it :) It’s so much easier when I can be confident in that.
And all you need to do is be an awesome Mom to your son. Stand up for what’s right, what you believe in, and that’s what will be important. ((((hugs))))
Thanksgivingmoms last blog post..Little White Lies
2008/05/28 22:16
Krissi - Not to make a statement, just because. :P I can’t see having kids until I’m older. I would like to do a lot more research, have a bit of a savings, generally a lot more experience in financial and adoption-related affairs before I go that route.
2008/05/29 9:39
Adoption was also my first choice!
2008/05/29 17:02
I just took my first peek at that anti-adoption blog — it makes me sick to my stomach.
2008/05/30 13:16
We adopted after having one homemade daughter. She picked out her brother on a waiting children’s list. See, my hubby at 45 thought he was too old for the whole diaper changing routine. 3 yrs of grief trying to adopt an older spec needs kid domestically made me VERY bitter.
So now it’s memories of meeting a small, scarred, scared little 5 yr old boy in a room with lots of adults standing around telling him that we were his new Ma-Ma and Ba-Ba. The poor child. But he was willing to sit with us because we had matchbox cars and animal crackers.
It was not love at first sight. But by the 2nd day, he had us pretty soundly wrapped around his tiny fingers.
Now I have people tell me how lucky/blessed he is to have us and I want to scream. I am the lucky one. I got the perfect son for our family. He’s funny, smart, silly, beautiful (scars and all). I didn’t adopt to rescue. I adopted to complete my family. Purely selfish. My heart breaks for the kids in orphanages around the world. But I have no desire to adopt them. I wanted to adopt the child God wanted me to have. Found him in China. How lucky am I? I not only get a son, my family gets a whole new culture to incorporate into our identity. My dear blonde-haired, green-eyed daughter now speaks mandarin chinese better than her brother. Hee-Hee!
My heart breaks for the “China Mommy” who left this beautiful baby in a public place because his birth defect was something she could not take care of. I feel so sad for her some days. Wish she could see what an amazing little boy he is. Wonder if he got those enomous chocolate brown eyes from her. I tell him every night when I tuck him into bed that he is loved around the world. He knows he has 3 mommies, “China Mommy, ChenMaMa (the director of his orphanage), and me. I am so blessed to be his forever mommy. So very blessed.
2008/06/02 21:42
@Tracie -
Adoption has always been my first choice. Not my ‘only’ choice or my ‘last’ choice… but my FIRST choice.
K2
2008/06/02 21:43
@K2dra -
“I just took my first peek at that anti-adoption blog — it makes me sick to my stomach.”
… well, everyone is entitled to their opinions. It’s not a blog I frequent because I mostly don’t understand that point of view, but I respect that the point of view exists, even if I don’t agree.
K2
2008/06/02 21:44
@Julie -
Wow, what a story!
K2
2008/06/02 21:44
Hi! I read your post over at the anti-adoption blog and just wanted to applaud you for stating your position, values, and beliefs. I support adoption, although my husband and I were victims of adoption fraud at the hands of our agency. The owner has been charged with 62 felonies, but he has feld the country. I have a blog devoted to ending corruption in adoption as well as advocating for adoption reform and ethics in adoption. Stop by! Nice to “meet” you!
:)Dawn
Dawn De Lorenzos last blog post..2Lyrical’s Adoption Utopia
2008/07/04 13:37
I found your blog via BlogNosh.com. What a wonderful read.
Genevieves last blog post..Reward for the missing laundry fairy
2008/07/04 21:46
Adoption was always the first choice for my husband and me, but there are still so many people out there who just can’t understand. Thanks for providing a voice for the rest of us!
Jennifer Breazeales last blog post..tylerhwillis:The best bug ever I’ve ever filed. (Link to the…
2008/07/06 21:16
@Dawn -
“…just wanted to applaud you for stating your position, values, and beliefs.”
1. Thank you!
2. I’m sorry you had a bad adoption experience, but I’m glad to know that you’re advocating for positive changes in adoption - More people need to be made aware of what really goes on.
I’ll be checking out your blog shortly :)
K2
2008/07/06 21:17
@Genevieve,
Thank you and welcome to my blog! Blog Nosh is awesome, isn’t it?
K2
2008/07/06 21:18
@Jennifer -
“Thanks for providing a voice for the rest of us!”
You’re welcome and thank you so much for stopping by and leaving your comments. I love feedback :)
K2
2008/08/02 22:20
In the eyes of certain groups not desiring a biological child further proves me to be a baby-stealer.
That is the line I am talking about. My blog is the one you link to, and that line is not what I believe. That is not true. I don’t think that you’re a baby stealer, can you please explain?
yes, i don’t support most adoptions, but I have never called anyone a baby stealer except for the AP’s who have outright stolen children. When people keep children when they know one of the parents has been decieved and wants to parent, they are , in my eyes baby stealers. But someone choosing to adopt, doesn’t equate to a baby stealer in my eyes.
Just wanted to clear the misunderstanding up.
Gershoms last blog post..Guatemala and family preservation
2008/08/03 17:45
@Gershom -
Thank you for coming to my blog to comment, I do appreciate your feedback.
“I don’t think that you’re a baby stealer, can you please explain?”
I have, on more than one occasion, actually been accused of this (not on your blog, to clarify.)
On one hand I actually see why I could be denounced as such - how else does someone who doesn’t know the background of [my particular situation] otherwise view my decision? “I adopted to take a child away from his/her mother because I was selfish and didn’t want to bother with more ‘natural’ ways”
On the other hand, I see that the very concept of ‘baby stealing’ is more on the level of kidnapping or severe coercive (or buying/bribing/false promising) forced adoption.
One opinion is based on emotional distress or unresolved personal issues while the other is based on a more legal/ethical ground.
Do I truly see myself as a baby stealer? No way. But I realize some others do - and I realize that my choice of parenting was quite different than most. I didn’t go through infertility, I didn’t even try to get pregnant… I never WANTED to be pregnant! Adoption was really and honestly my FIRST CHOICE.
“Just wanted to clear the misunderstanding up.”
Thank you, but on my end I didn’t feel as though there was a misunderstanding at all. My point was simply that I realize some view me in a negative context and I acknowledge that their opinions are valid, even if I don’t agree with them.
As an adoptive parent I also believe it’s my responsibility to read about ALL sides/opinions of adoption to better educate myself and give my son the best chance of growing up less emotionally harmed.
Again, I think you so much for your feedback - you are welcome here any time… even if you are ‘anti-adoption’.
K2
2008/08/04 16:34
The misunderstanding that I was seeing, is that you are directing people to my blog, in reference to the people who consider you a baby stealer. In my opinion, thats misleading your viewers on their impressions of me, and my blog. I work very hard to keep it respectful and polite because the name of my blog alone triggers some people before they even take the time to read it. If people are calling you a baby stealer, then please point your readers to them, and not my blog. Just because I don’t believe in adoption doesn’t mean I fall into the “everyone who adopts is a baby stealer” mindset.
Thanks for welcoming my comments.
Gershoms last blog post..Should Adoption Blessings Worldwide inc. have been in operation?