Was it RAPE?

The betrayal that prompted my post ‘Exploitation of Un-friended Vulnerabilities‘ was the angry, retributive re-publication of a comment I made on someone’s blog after I’d asked for it to be removed.

Originally the blog owner obliged when I admitted to commenting on this topic before I was ready, but then when I became the blog owner’s ‘non-friend’ she used the familiar ‘I’ll expose your secrets if you don’t meet my demands’ rhetoric.

Obviously my comment was then re-posted on her blog.*

Yes, I wrote it and I absolutely take responsibility for the fact that it was public, I am/was disappointed in the person who stooped low enough to go back on her word… and a little disappointed in myself for talking about something I wasn’t ready to discuss, in public, while trusting someone I should not have.

BUT, that’s not the point of this post. The point of this is what I wanted to share:

Meanwhile - All this time I’ve kept my own copy of what I’d written as a draft post here. Now I’m ready to share it with you (on my own terms!) in case you hadn’t already read it. … it’s some heavy stuff.

“Rape is Rape is Rape is Rape is Rape”

I struggle with this very topic and have asked myself “was [what I experienced] rape?” So when you say

“If I look back and say ‘I didn’t want to have sex with him’, it was RAPE.”

… does that include coercion in such a situation as my saying to myself ‘well, I can’t get home unless this guy drives me, we’re in the middle of nowhere - I can’t get him to stop coming on to me even though I push him away, and I’m tried and (half-drunk by my own actions) so I guess the easiest way out is to let him… and just pretend it didn’t happen…‘

Because I have been there, unfortunately not just once.

“[Everyone should acknowledge] that anyone who attempts to influence [a gir], drug her or take advantage of her is wrong.”

Does ‘influencing’ include telling a 14-15 YO girl that she is ohsosexy and grownup and so on and so forth, giving gifts (no matter how minor) and lavishing attention on said girl?

What if said girl likes the attention but not the sexual advances (even though she feels now she must be supposed to ‘give something in return’)…

… what if that attention is coming from a 30 year old man and the 14-15 YO girl is ultimately seeking friendship from anyone (not necessarily her age or not) who seems to understand her “more mature” points of view? Is that rape?

I have a hard time answering that one (especially for myself) when that happened TO ME over 3 years of time. I look back now and I think “OMG a 14 YO and a 30 YO man??! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!” but I’m confused and conflicted - I didn’t say ‘no’ (but sexual stuff made me want to vomit every time) and I didn’t really say ‘yes’ either.

I wanted attention, I got it - maybe too much?

* In fairness to the original post’s author, I feel she deserves credit for her own writing. Her original post isn’t what bothered me (it is, after all, quite well written and makes excellent points) it was her using my vulnerabilities aginst me that tore me into pieces. Kudos where kudos are deserved.

My “business” is all CONFUSED

My blog, aptly named, “Krississippi”, represents my own personal state of mind (yes, pun intended.) However, have you pondered the sub-titled meaning “the fifty-first state of CONFUSION”? Aside from the tradition behind it (that almost none of you will get, unless you happen to have known me back when I had a BBS) it also means I acknowledge that my life is confusing.

‘Isn’t everyone’s life confusing,’

you ask? Yes, absolutely. I’m just thankful (if not a little amazed at my own depth-less insight) that I actually recognize that life, and everyone’s lives, are big balls of confusion.

My reality is grounded in believing that living, while desperately grasping for the straws of clarity to outsmart the confusion, is the purpose.

The ultimate reason and underlying truth for this post is that I can’t currently outsmart the confusion.  I can’t even find my own path in life at the moment.  Without a path I feel lost; upon finding myself lost, I feel as if I’m drifting in a reality that I don’t quite discern.  I recognize my own reality (like seeing someone you know, but you can’t place their name) but it currently seems beyond my ken to understand it.

I can’t find my glasses to see the straws to grasp - I’m left with blindly sucking at the plastic lid while attempting to wipe away the spills coming out the sides.

I think my conundrum comes from the huge changes in my life over the last year.  I no longer recognize myself as ‘the kidney patient’.  Likewise, the title ‘adoptive parent’ fell by the wayside a few years back. Further back, ’single, working mother’ was erased and on a more ancient lifetime ago, ‘military wife’ became non-existent.  I’ve held other “titles” in adulthood, but each of the aforementioned have been the ones written on my office door.

So, where am I? I’m left with feelings and emotions I can’t even blog because they’re so confusing.  My confusion has turned into a barely semi-conscious awareness of my own reality.

I’m not comfortable with being overwhelmed by confusion.

I’m seeking myself, and I seem to be stuck on a backwoods, country dirt road without a map or road sign within sight.  In a sense it’s funny to think of it that way, especially considering that my life (and confusion) really did start (literally!) on a road exactly like that…

I’m lost, I don’t know who I am (or who I want to be) and I don’t know where I’m going. So, yeah, my “business” is all CONFUSED and you’re right. I need to figure some stuff out.

It’s a Blog-Eat-Blog World out There

By it’s nature, blogging is dramatic, selfish, mean-spirited and oftentimes hurtful. Let’s face it, not everyone is going to agree with your (or my) opinion, and if you read it (or write it) chances are you’ll have your feelings hurt at some point.

It’s a blog-eat-blog world out there, folks.

I’m going to throw my insults around about some recent goings-on in the blogosphere.  I’m pitching my opinion into the proverbial pool because I’m irritated and annoyed (which could probably count for PMS, if I still had that ability.)

And yes, I do want to know what you think… the good, bad AND the ugly.  Here’s your chance to tell me you love me, or you hate me.

Continue reading…

Acceptable to who? The oil industry.

I haven’t been blogging much, no time since the end of my vacation and the return to reality… however, my friend Scott wrote an email that I’m re-posting (with permission).  I guess that makes Scott my very first guest blogger!

———-

For years I have been using mid grade gasoline. I have kept track of my mileage and know that in my Dodge Durango I get about 13.6 mpg in the city. That is pretty much all I do is city driving, not a lot of highway with my business. So my 2004 Dodge Durango with the 5.7 liter V8 HEMI engine has been doing me just fine.

But with rising gas prices, I decided to give “regular” a try. I read an article in the AAA “Going Places” Southeast edition that suggested mid-grade is, for the most part, not necessary and putting mid-grade into your car is not a “special treat” for the engine, rather, a waste of money. It says to check with the manufacturer but most cars do fine on regular.

So, I decided to fill her up with regular for about $.20 cents less per gallon and see how it went. Well, I should have gone with my gut instinct and stuck with plus. I reset the mpg tracker and sure enough, after driving around town for 3 quarters of a tank I am getting down around 10.6 mpg on regular gas. At $3.99 a gallon for regular, that breaks down to $.42 cents per mile in the city. At $4.29 (30 cents more, but it is really more like 20 cents usually), that breaks down to less than $.32 cents per mile with midgrade. I have been told I am wasting my money, read articles that said the same thing, but all along what I was doing was right. My car is thirsty for mid-grade!

I am switching back to mid-grade, it is cheaper!

Additionally, I looked up my make and model and the manufacturer says “Unleaded mid-grade 89 octane recommended Unleaded regular 87 octane acceptable.”

Acceptable to who? The oil industry.

Do yourself a favor and check what your manufacturer recommends. Then do your own tests. I think you may be surprised to find that it is actually cheaper in some cases to pump your car with midgrade. Especially you guys with the  BMWs and Jags. Heck, you probably have to use premium..

Good luck!

Friend, Lost

AJK,

It’s been so long since I had you on my “friends” list (IRL or online) and I miss you like crazy, I really do. Whatever we’re mad at each other about, can’t we just let it go? It was so, SO long ago (7 years? 8?) that we let our friendship go missing; 6 years of being “BFF’s” before that time seems like a lifetime ago.

It would mean so much to me to reconnect with you… life is just too short to continue walking on eggshells wondering why we aren’t friends.

Please at least reply - tell me to F-off or something, if that’s all you can manage. It’s killing me to ignore you, and to be ignored by you, while always wondering if there is a chance our old and true friendship could be rekindled.

I have never stopped admiring you and loving you from afar. Not for a single day.