Recent Wisdom my Ex-Husband Gave Me

“What [our child] does isn’t a direct reflection of our parenting [ability or inadequacies] and isn’t an exact indicator of whether we’re good or bad parents… We’re not always around [our child] and can’t control the decisions he makes himself during times he has control over his actions.”

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… to go with my last post, something to add…

… and one more thing that I’m stressed about (filtered from K1)

I’m so very very VERY happy that K1 went to Kentucky this weekend to meet his son. I’m so proud of him that he finally did it. And I’m also soooooooooooooo relieved that things seem to have gone well and he had a good time. I’ll get the full report when he gets home…

just one teeny little thing, something that sort of took me by surprise.

I asked K1 if [T] called him ‘K1′ or ‘Dad’ and he said “a little of both,” and all of a sudden it sort of it me: I’m never going to be the biological mother of K1’s son, or of any children for that matter. I realized that now K1 and his son are finally ‘together’ and that is something I have never, and will never be a part of. I will never give birth to any child… and I think for the first time ever this made me a little sad to realize this fact. Honestly, not once before, during or after adopting my son did I ever feel like I was missing out on not being pregnant or not having a biological child. It never crossed my mind. It never meant anything to me until today, when K1 said [T] was calling him ‘Dad’. Weird how that one little thing made a stab at my heart.

Its not who my child(ren) are or where they are from, its the fact that I can never give K1 the gift of a child in the way that other couples share. I don’t know if we will ever adopt a child together, or how much [T] will now become a part of our lives, but it feels like we’re destined to have such separate families - different children with different people, instead of with each other. My son doesn’t call him ‘Dad’ (and he doesn’t need to) and [T] will never call me ‘Mom’… We are a family, I suppose, but the ‘non-traditional’ part of being a family is finally catching up to me and bothering me in a way that I know it really shouldn’t. A family is a family, right?

Anyhow, I’m just rambling. Must be a side-effect from the enormous weight I feel is on my shoulders because of the holidays, traveling, packing, unpacking, dialysis, family, etc. We’re supposed to be going on vacation, so why am I so stressed?

*sigh*

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