I decided that I’m still not ready to write openly about my feelings about rape and put them out there for everyone to read (even though what I’ve said is posted on another person’s blog without regard to my feelings).
I’m happy to give the password to anyone who asks, I’d just like to know who is reading.
Leave a comment on this post (with your email - which won’t be displayed) and I’ll send you a reply with the password.
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The betrayal that prompted my post ‘Exploitation of Un-friended Vulnerabilities‘ was the angry, retributive re-publication of a comment I made on someone’s blog after I’d asked for it to be removed.
Originally the blog owner obliged when I admitted to commenting on this topic before I was ready, but then when I became the blog owner’s ‘non-friend’ she used the familiar ‘I’ll expose your secrets if you don’t meet my demands’ rhetoric.
Obviously my comment was then re-posted on her blog.*
Yes, I wrote it and I absolutely take responsibility for the fact that it was public, I am/was disappointed in the person who stooped low enough to go back on her word… and a little disappointed in myself for talking about something I wasn’t ready to discuss, in public, while trusting someone I should not have.
BUT, that’s not the point of this post. The point of this is what I wanted to share:
Meanwhile - All this time I’ve kept my own copy of what I’d written as a draft post here. Now I’m ready to share it with you (on my own terms!) in case you hadn’t already read it. … it’s some heavy stuff.
“Rape is Rape is Rape is Rape is Rape”
I struggle with this very topic and have asked myself “was [what I experienced] rape?” So when you say
“If I look back and say ‘I didn’t want to have sex with him’, it was RAPE.”
… does that include coercion in such a situation as my saying to myself ‘well, I can’t get home unless this guy drives me, we’re in the middle of nowhere - I can’t get him to stop coming on to me even though I push him away, and I’m tried and (half-drunk by my own actions) so I guess the easiest way out is to let him… and just pretend it didn’t happen…‘
Because I have been there, unfortunately not just once.
“[Everyone should acknowledge] that anyone who attempts to influence [a gir], drug her or take advantage of her is wrong.”
Does ‘influencing’ include telling a 14-15 YO girl that she is ohsosexy and grownup and so on and so forth, giving gifts (no matter how minor) and lavishing attention on said girl?
What if said girl likes the attention but not the sexual advances (even though she feels now she must be supposed to ‘give something in return’)…
… what if that attention is coming from a 30 year old man and the 14-15 YO girl is ultimately seeking friendship from anyone (not necessarily her age or not) who seems to understand her “more mature” points of view? Is that rape?
I have a hard time answering that one (especially for myself) when that happened TO ME over 3 years of time. I look back now and I think “OMG a 14 YO and a 30 YO man??! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!” but I’m confused and conflicted - I didn’t say ‘no’ (but sexual stuff made me want to vomit every time) and I didn’t really say ‘yes’ either.
I wanted attention, I got it - maybe too much?
* In fairness to the original post’s author, I feel she deserves credit for her own writing. Her original post isn’t what bothered me (it is, after all, quite well written and makes excellent points) it was her using my vulnerabilities aginst me that tore me into pieces. Kudos where kudos are deserved.
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