My “business” is all CONFUSED

My blog, aptly named, “Krississippi”, represents my own personal state of mind (yes, pun intended.) However, have you pondered the sub-titled meaning “the fifty-first state of CONFUSION”? Aside from the tradition behind it (that almost none of you will get, unless you happen to have known me back when I had a BBS) it also means I acknowledge that my life is confusing.

‘Isn’t everyone’s life confusing,’

you ask? Yes, absolutely. I’m just thankful (if not a little amazed at my own depth-less insight) that I actually recognize that life, and everyone’s lives, are big balls of confusion.

My reality is grounded in believing that living, while desperately grasping for the straws of clarity to outsmart the confusion, is the purpose.

The ultimate reason and underlying truth for this post is that I can’t currently outsmart the confusion.  I can’t even find my own path in life at the moment.  Without a path I feel lost; upon finding myself lost, I feel as if I’m drifting in a reality that I don’t quite discern.  I recognize my own reality (like seeing someone you know, but you can’t place their name) but it currently seems beyond my ken to understand it.

I can’t find my glasses to see the straws to grasp - I’m left with blindly sucking at the plastic lid while attempting to wipe away the spills coming out the sides.

I think my conundrum comes from the huge changes in my life over the last year.  I no longer recognize myself as ‘the kidney patient’.  Likewise, the title ‘adoptive parent’ fell by the wayside a few years back. Further back, ’single, working mother’ was erased and on a more ancient lifetime ago, ‘military wife’ became non-existent.  I’ve held other “titles” in adulthood, but each of the aforementioned have been the ones written on my office door.

So, where am I? I’m left with feelings and emotions I can’t even blog because they’re so confusing.  My confusion has turned into a barely semi-conscious awareness of my own reality.

I’m not comfortable with being overwhelmed by confusion.

I’m seeking myself, and I seem to be stuck on a backwoods, country dirt road without a map or road sign within sight.  In a sense it’s funny to think of it that way, especially considering that my life (and confusion) really did start (literally!) on a road exactly like that…

I’m lost, I don’t know who I am (or who I want to be) and I don’t know where I’m going. So, yeah, my “business” is all CONFUSED and you’re right. I need to figure some stuff out.

Comments Off